It's a BYouTFool World

Long time, no write

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 12:39:03 GMT

Sometimes I think I only write in here about bad stuff, but really, do you ever need to "vent" about good stuff? Eh.

Anyway, I've come to appreciate the huge joke life is playing on me when it comes to Adam and his death. It's like every time I think I'm gotten out from under the daily sadness and have gotten above it all and can function without it constantly weighing me down -- another fucking brother dies and I watch someone I grew up with go through the same wrenching pain and relive mine all over again.

Don't get me wrong - this isn't my usual EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME rant. I know this is NOT about me. I would never out loud speak about how this death is making ME feel. But at least here I think it's my right to.

So here we go. Another once-best friend. Another brother's death. Let's see, last year we had Tony's brother Victor die. This year it's Kristin's brother Aaron. Ironically, the last time I hung out with Kristin and Aaron was at Adam's funeral. Go figure, eh? But oh my god, the memories. For half my life, it was me, Kristin, Melissa, and Amber. I think a huge part of me has always been insanely jealous that us going to different high schools made Kristin and Melissa best friends forever, to this day. But ah well.

Let's talk about the brother though and my huge disallowed relationship with him lol. I'm pretty sure he's only a year older than me, but when you're 13 and in 8th grade and the boy is 14 and in high school, parents seem to think that's a no-no. So instead, I just had many slumber parties at Kristin's house! I learned from my own friends who were sleeping at my house to get close to my own brothers! At that time, I'm pretty sure it was Melissa and Adam lol. Anyway, such a fun few months. I had my stuffed dragon that he won me from Kennywood for years. I don't think I threw it out until I moved ou of my parents' house lol. And all those nights of sleeping over and waiting for Mama and Papa K to go to bed so I could sneak into Aaron's room and watch movies and okay kiss a lot. Awww. Fun times. I'm not sure exactly when we broke up, but I know it was my fault. I think it might have been right after Kennywood actually. I remember me and Melissa meeting boys at Kennywood and ditching Kristin and Aaron for half an hour cause we couldn't hang out with them in front of them. I've always been a bad person apparently.

Point is, he was the sweetest guy and some of my favorite memories of my favorite summer include him. All of my memories of my favorite summer include her, and I can't imagine someone I loved so much having to go through the pain I went through and still can't quite get over.

And god, if you're listening, I think it's pretty FUCKED UP that every god damn time I think "Okay. I'm okay. I can think about Adam, but I'm okay," you fucking RUIN it for me.

(In other news, despite everything, last night was absolutely wonderful, I haven't slept yet, I'm really late for work, and I'll write about it later)

No.. No.. that sucks.. No... stupid... No... bad idea

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 23:43:39 GMT

Ask me if I've come up with Josh's birthday gift yet. lajfdkaljflakjfla

I'm in love. With Ace Young.

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 02:58:12 GMT

Eeeep! We're home! OMG I KNOW THIS IS GAY BUT IT WAS SERIOUSLY THE BEST CONCERT I'VE SEEN IN SUCH A LONG TIME! I think I'll actually pay attention to AI next year, even without Dickface Jr.

For starters, I'd be pissed if I was a Katharine fan. Twatface was supposed to return to the tour starting tonight and nope, she didn't. There were signs posted all over outside that looked like they were done in Word five minutes before the show saying that she wouldn't be there lol. So didn't matter! It was an awesome show, and there were songs that ALL of us liked so everyone had a great time.

I don't know why Ace got ragged on all the time - he's a great singer! And he's just beautiful. I fell in love. And then I fell in love again when my own boyfriend let me get on his back so I could better yell my declarations of love to Ace.

Uhhh okay some notes:

- The guys were way better than the girls this year. WAY BETTER. Ace is so pretty and such a good singer, but Chris was just holy fuck amazing. AMAZING. The shrieking when he came on was deafening.

- Kellie Pickler and I had the same top on! Kinda! I'm wearing a red satin and lace corset top but it's much more casual. Same CONCEPT though. Eee! We're like BFF!

- Someone needs to re-think the design of Kellie's wig man.

- Someone needs to re-think Mandisa's wardrobe. Fuck, she didn't have to look like she was wearing her PJ sweatpants in her opener.

- I CAME SO FUCKING CLOSE TO GETTING BUCKY'S HAT. IF THERE WERE FIVE LESS PEOPLE TO THE LEFT OF ME, I WOULD HAVE HAD IT.

- Ace had a Terrible Towel! OMG YAY!

- I CAME NOT QUITE AS CLOSE TO GETTING THAT TERRIBLE TOWEL. IF THERE HAD BEEN 50 PEOPLE LESS TO THE RIGHT OF ME, I SO WOULD HAVE HAD IT. DAMMIT.

- I swear on everything in my life, this is not cause of the whole Dickface twin syndrome thing - Elliott was not that good. I mean, he was GOOD. But not like he was on TV. And he looked like ass.

- Who the hell is Lisa?

- I rubbed my butt on a walking Pop Tart before the show started

- I never want to see a goddamn Pop Tart again after this concert

- Katharine is still a twatface

- We played "Spot the Pedophile" and "Spot the Bass" while waiting for the show to start

- I sent a text proposing to Josh during intermission but it didn't get shown on the big screen

- You have not lived until you see 4 40+ year old women organizing their 10 homemade banners with the names of each Idol on them, putting them in order of who is performing, so they can then spread said banners across their bodies when that Idol is on.

- I love Ace

- I love Chris

- Katharine... twatface

- Despite some being way better than others, everyone was very very good and the show just kicked ass.

7 minutes ago

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 14:11:38 GMT

the closing on the house should have started! I think. What else is there besides the closing? Cause there was that and then something else equally as boring (thank god in law school I won't have to take real estate law if I don't want to) going on, but I can't remember what. I wonder how long this is going to be. All I know is I am to be dressed and ready ("and not Jess ready, REALLY ready") when he's on his way cause we have a ton of work to do.

Now. I don't want to seem nitpicky or I told you so'ish here... but when scheduling this stuff, don't you think maybe, oh I don't know, it should have been scheduled for a weekend?!

And to you, asshole... I'm not deleting that ever. I want to print it out, blow it up, and laminate it so I don't ever feel remotely attached to you again.

:)

Home. Dammit.

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 02:50:01 GMT

We spent $6K. That's just obscene for a weekend. I'm still in sticker shock mode. But OMG such a great time. I need to do a bunch of shit and yet here I sit, making a CD for my shower, eating pretzels.

Christopher had an awesome time! He went rafting, rock climbing, hiking, and all the other normal camp stuff. The only thing he couldn't do was the extended hike because it was more of a run, and he couldn't do laps in the lake for one of the badges. But still, got to do a ton of stuff! OH! And he spent $10 on a necklace... for a thirteen year old junior camp counselor named Jen. And so it begins lol.

And I know someone's not talking shit on Pittsburgh in her LJ when she lives in PHILADELPHIA. *shudder*

Um.

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 00:12:31 GMT

1. I've become a Panic! At the Disco groupie.

2. Miami Ink season premiere tonight at 10!

3. I really want a Kat tattoo

4. I'm freaking out about Christopher being gone at camp for so long

5. I'm pretty sure I could fall asleep sitting here.

I feel like I've even beaten up

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 15:13:26 GMT

Just... exhausted and puffy faced from crying and pissed off and BLAH. It's one thing to argue, god knows I love a heated fight. But when your boyfriend is standing in front of you, debating in his head whether or not he even wants to be with you still, yelling lines like "I'VE SPENT ALMOST MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE TRYING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY AND YOU'RE SUCH A BRAT THAT I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE" and "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE WOMAN I'M MARRYING. I'M NOT ONE OF YOUR BOYFRIENDS AND YOUR GAMES AND SHIT DON'T WORK." There was something after games but I can't remember what. Something else that doesn't work. And then my personal favorite "YOU DON'T GET TO CALL ALL THE SHOTS, THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU, EVERYONE'S LIVES DON'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU, AND YOU DON'T GET TO WHINE AND BITCH TO YOU GET YOUR WAY ONE MINUTE AND THEN FIVE FUCKING MINUTES LATER CHANGE YOUR MIND. LIKE ALL YOU WANT IS TO MAKE SURE YOU CAN GET EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND THAT SHIT'S OVER." And I think he said fuck a few more times, which threw me off cause I'm the potty mouth and he never swears, and I'm sure I was called a brat a few more times and he expanded on exactly what makes me a princess. And that's about it.

Fuck. Him.

All about meeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 22:19:33 GMT

I really want a new layout. I think. Still pink though. Hmm. I must befriend graphic designers. Add that to my To Do.

Anyway, my Holter came back perfectly normal, EVEN WITH all the crap I did, so yay! I have a heart murmur, yeah, but it's a "normal" murmur. I do not have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. And I'd do pretty much anything on the planet to switch places with Christopher and have it instead. If anyone runs into a genie, leprechaun, or fairy, please hook me up with them.

Carpet shopping today! Well just sampling and feeling lol. I never realized how much PAPER is involved in buying a house and how many stupid freaking processes there are that must be followed exactly in perfect order. And then I imagine doing that both ways, buying and selling at the same time, and my heart just says awwwww for Josh.

...

...

...

...

Okay that moment's passed!

Fan Fest starts tomorrow

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 02:47:18 GMT

Hate baseball, but love big ass conventions and ado going on in our fine little city! Christopher's excited! Not sure which day we're going, hopefully tomorrow after work, but more than likely on Saturday. Fun times!

I'm about to rip the holter monitor off and through it out the window. :)

Yup, it's official

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 11:29:58 GMT

We have our American Idol tour tickets, thus making us the lamest group of people over 21 in America.

I will never drink again

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 12:51:54 GMT

And I really did eat nachos and a soft pretzel from Sunoco.

I FEEL MARRIED AND I DON'T LIKE IT

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 14:08:23 GMT

Okay so backstory for my imaginary friends, Josh has been spending a lot of nights here when Christopher's not here. And I understand why, and I truly DO appreciate his position. He's so sick of being in his apartment hotel suite whatever the hell it's called, and I get that, and I get that he's lonely and misses having a home and it's driving him crazy and half of it is my fault for holding up this house process.

But CHRIST, if you're going to be here, can I get some attention while you're at it? He spent all night working. He spends all nights working. And I keep telling myself it's because he's new and no longer important guy in a firm and starting all over, but what if it doesn't change? What if instead of it being the longer he's there the more time he'll have, it becomes the longer he's there the more he works his way up and has even MORE work? Then what happens to me?! And besides, it's not like he entered this firm as some freshly licensed associate in the first place. He's paid his dues already. I don't think he worked a full 5 day work week in Michigan EVER. Grrrr.

And now with Christopher in Disney for a week... Argh.

I sound like a brat, don't I?

Hello journal

Wed, 14 Jun 2006 11:07:58 GMT

I feel like it's been years sine I've updated when it hasn't lol. Addicted to online journaling perhaps?

We're going to schedule much needed massages today. I feel like I want to try something different but I don't know what. Suggestions? And I think I'm too knotted and fragile at the moment for deep tissue, so don't say that. And I'm almost positive that it's right by the Skin Center and they keep showing these commercials for laser hair removal and people keep talking about it at random times so I feel like I HAVE to go in there and at least see what it's all about. Right?

What a deep journal entry!

Uhhh

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 18:15:43 GMT

I'm slightly disturbed, FYI.

MARIE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WHERE IS HE?

Hee

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 04:03:26 GMT

It's the little things that amuse me. I love my online boyfriend.

HEY

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 03:27:42 GMT

marietk28, thank you for being such a wonderful friend. You're an amazing woman.

WHO WANTS TO MAKE ME AN LJ LAYOUT? WHO? HUH?

I know a guy that spent all day watching America's Next Top Model on VH1. Gay?

How can this be hard to understand?

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 21:37:52 GMT

How fucking hard is it to comprehend that I just want to be alone for now. I don't need a babysitter, I don't need to be entertained, I don't want to go out, just... leave me alone. Christ.

I haven't slept yet

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 11:08:50 GMT

Jesus god, I feel so bad for whatever country I'm working on today.

But OH! I forgot the only fun part of our day yesterday. Children's Hospital knows how to take care of patients man. Our appointment was 9:30 but we were told to be there at 9. So we get there and they take us before I'm even done filling out the paperwork. No wait! 2 points! So then we're in the exam room and they do an ekg and when they leave to go look at it, we realize there's a computer in the room. There are computers in all of the exam rooms for the kids/parents to play on! So 3 points! So then we had to have an echocariogram done, and that takes 45 minutes. So they let you pick whatever movie you want from this huge ass list of titles and you get to watch 45 minutes of it while the echo's being done. I NEED TO SEE THE OTHER HALF OF SPIDERMAN now. 5 points!

And finally, our first doctor looked JUST LIKE an Oopma Loompa.

Well, we're home.

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 21:39:30 GMT

Christopher has Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. It's a somewhat rare disease I guess. It affects .5% or something like that. He doesn't have osbstruction though, so that's good from what I've learned so far. He is no longer allowed to do anything vigorously physical. No more sports, no more gym class, no amusement park rides, nothing that can elevate he heart rate. Do you know what that's like to 9 year old? That's the end of the world in his eyes.

35%+ of athletes who die suddenly have this disease. The biggest risk is sudden death without symptoms. Yup. The doctor SAID THIS IN FRONT OF HIM. Like he's detailing it and everything and then he tells us that in children the chance of sudden death is 6% and goes down to 1% in adults.

We start drug therapy today. And he has a holter monitor for the next 24 hours. Provided there is no unusal skipped heartbeats and stuff and it remains unobstructed, he will take this medicine twice a day forever and be careful not to vigorously exercise. If the results of the holter aren't good and/or it becomes obstructed, surgery and pacemakers and all kinds of shit that we are not going to talk about.

The disease is genetic. My echocardiogram is next week and our immediate families have to be tested asap. Bella doesn't have to be tested until she's older. We also learned that his asthma was indeed this. Without hearing the heart murmur, the only symptoms he had were shortness of breath when he ran around. He has basically no symptoms.

He's sleeping now. Bella will be home soon. I think it's safe to just cry my eyes out for a little while until Josh gets here.

Everyone think positive!

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 12:27:37 GMT

Christopher's seeing the cardiologist today. Everyone think positively! I'll call when we're back.

I am bocce champion of the woorrrrrllllldddd

Tue, 30 May 2006 10:37:03 GMT

Not one game. Not two games. Three games. Three partners. Three winning teams, all having me in common. Coincidence? I CAN'T BE BEAT.

I have all of my "work clothes" planned out for when everyone is in Vegas. I'm completely taking advantage of being able to wear whatever I want to work, and I'm thinking strapless shirts and lunch at the Point all week. Paid to tan!

AND OMG THE BIG NEWS OF THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!

I told Josh I love him. Awwww.

What a good, good day

Wed, 24 May 2006 02:42:38 GMT

I made significant progress in my To Do list at work. Yay! Christopher had a good baseball practice for the first time in like a week since the neverending rain. Yay! And speaking of work, I spent 2 hours talking with Josh about nothing but our work. Sounds boring, I know. But it was wonderful. I think right after sex on my priority list is someone who cares about and understands my work and vice versa. It's not just that we listen to each other cause we have to, we're actually INTERESTED. Probably because our jobs are slightly in the same field. Or because we're huge nerds. Either way, I haven't been this excited about a great conversation in a long time. Awww.

And WHY is the Verizon commercial with the Promiscuous Girls song filled with people who can't dance? :(

Not a diet!

Mon, 22 May 2006 21:58:04 GMT

Okay, so I'm happy with my weight and I think I've taken care of every imperfection that I can address (unless someone knows how to do a breast lift at home??). SO, NEW PLAN. Rather than eat and exercise to lose weight, I'm going to eat and exercise to make my body work to its full potential (LIVE WELL KIDS!). I want to know what vitamin combinations fuel each other, what foods eaten in the morning combine best with foods in the evening. How many hours prior to working out I should eat what, the exact number of grams of protein that my body personally needs. All that fun stuff. I have a rough idea of all of that, but I want to know the exact science of my body. And now that I can safely say I'm off ephedra completely and way past the point where I need to work out hard to maintain the weight lost by taking it, I don't have to obsess over weight anymore. Now I can obsess about my body in general. THE POWER! Hercules, Hercules!

Fuck today.

Sat, 20 May 2006 17:35:20 GMT

There wasn't anymore room for my flowers at the cemetery and we got there at like 11. So I put one at his headstone (and maaaaaaaaybe I moved everyone else's around :D) and spread out the rest to headstones around his that didn't have anything on them.

So... two years ago today I was playing with baby Bella when I heard my front door and Dickface comes in with flowers and pepsi and tells me I need to call my mom and goes back and forth with me over why I have to call my mom and then he just blurts it out and tells me that Adam's dead and I slap him and say shut up cause really, that is such a bad joke, and VOILA not a joke after all.

It's fucked up that Dickface will always be in my memory of this day too. Thanks, god.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Thu, 18 May 2006 02:23:33 GMT

AAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAH