•| BYouTFool's Journal |•

subject: Long time, no write
mood:

bitchy

Sometimes I think I only write in here about bad stuff, but really, do you ever need to "vent" about good stuff? Eh.

Anyway, I've come to appreciate the huge joke life is playing on me when it comes to Adam and his death. It's like every time I think I'm gotten out from under the daily sadness and have gotten above it all and can function without it constantly weighing me down -- another fucking brother dies and I watch someone I grew up with go through the same wrenching pain and relive mine all over again.

Don't get me wrong - this isn't my usual EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME rant. I know this is NOT about me. I would never out loud speak about how this death is making ME feel. But at least here I think it's my right to.

So here we go. Another once-best friend. Another brother's death. Let's see, last year we had Tony's brother Victor die. This year it's Kristin's brother Aaron. Ironically, the last time I hung out with Kristin and Aaron was at Adam's funeral. Go figure, eh? But oh my god, the memories. For half my life, it was me, Kristin, Melissa, and Amber. I think a huge part of me has always been insanely jealous that us going to different high schools made Kristin and Melissa best friends forever, to this day. But ah well.

Let's talk about the brother though and my huge disallowed relationship with him lol. I'm pretty sure he's only a year older than me, but when you're 13 and in 8th grade and the boy is 14 and in high school, parents seem to think that's a no-no. So instead, I just had many slumber parties at Kristin's house! I learned from my own friends who were sleeping at my house to get close to my own brothers! At that time, I'm pretty sure it was Melissa and Adam lol. Anyway, such a fun few months. I had my stuffed dragon that he won me from Kennywood for years. I don't think I threw it out until I moved ou of my parents' house lol. And all those nights of sleeping over and waiting for Mama and Papa K to go to bed so I could sneak into Aaron's room and watch movies and okay kiss a lot. Awww. Fun times. I'm not sure exactly when we broke up, but I know it was my fault. I think it might have been right after Kennywood actually. I remember me and Melissa meeting boys at Kennywood and ditching Kristin and Aaron for half an hour cause we couldn't hang out with them in front of them. I've always been a bad person apparently.

Point is, he was the sweetest guy and some of my favorite memories of my favorite summer include him. All of my memories of my favorite summer include her, and I can't imagine someone I loved so much having to go through the pain I went through and still can't quite get over.

And god, if you're listening, I think it's pretty FUCKED UP that every god damn time I think "Okay. I'm okay. I can think about Adam, but I'm okay," you fucking RUIN it for me.

(In other news, despite everything, last night was absolutely wonderful, I haven't slept yet, I'm really late for work, and I'll write about it later)

9 Dirty Talkers // Talk Dirty

subject: No.. No.. that sucks.. No... stupid... No... bad idea
mood:

frustrated
music: Panic! At the Disco - Time to Dance

Ask me if I've come up with Josh's birthday gift yet. lajfdkaljflakjfla

3 Dirty Talkers // Talk Dirty

subject: I'm in love. With Ace Young.
mood:

bouncy

Eeeep! We're home! OMG I KNOW THIS IS GAY BUT IT WAS SERIOUSLY THE BEST CONCERT I'VE SEEN IN SUCH A LONG TIME! I think I'll actually pay attention to AI next year, even without Dickface Jr.

For starters, I'd be pissed if I was a Katharine fan. Twatface was supposed to return to the tour starting tonight and nope, she didn't. There were signs posted all over outside that looked like they were done in Word five minutes before the show saying that she wouldn't be there lol. So didn't matter! It was an awesome show, and there were songs that ALL of us liked so everyone had a great time.

I don't know why Ace got ragged on all the time - he's a great singer! And he's just beautiful. I fell in love. And then I fell in love again when my own boyfriend let me get on his back so I could better yell my declarations of love to Ace.

Uhhh okay some notes:

- The guys were way better than the girls this year. WAY BETTER. Ace is so pretty and such a good singer, but Chris was just holy fuck amazing. AMAZING. The shrieking when he came on was deafening.

- Kellie Pickler and I had the same top on! Kinda! I'm wearing a red satin and lace corset top but it's much more casual. Same CONCEPT though. Eee! We're like BFF!

- Someone needs to re-think the design of Kellie's wig man.

- Someone needs to re-think Mandisa's wardrobe. Fuck, she didn't have to look like she was wearing her PJ sweatpants in her opener.

- I CAME SO FUCKING CLOSE TO GETTING BUCKY'S HAT. IF THERE WERE FIVE LESS PEOPLE TO THE LEFT OF ME, I WOULD HAVE HAD IT.

- Ace had a Terrible Towel! OMG YAY!

- I CAME NOT QUITE AS CLOSE TO GETTING THAT TERRIBLE TOWEL. IF THERE HAD BEEN 50 PEOPLE LESS TO THE RIGHT OF ME, I SO WOULD HAVE HAD IT. DAMMIT.

- I swear on everything in my life, this is not cause of the whole Dickface twin syndrome thing - Elliott was not that good. I mean, he was GOOD. But not like he was on TV. And he looked like ass.

- Who the hell is Lisa?

- I rubbed my butt on a walking Pop Tart before the show started

- I never want to see a goddamn Pop Tart again after this concert

- Katharine is still a twatface

- We played "Spot the Pedophile" and "Spot the Bass" while waiting for the show to start

- I sent a text proposing to Josh during intermission but it didn't get shown on the big screen

- You have not lived until you see 4 40+ year old women organizing their 10 homemade banners with the names of each Idol on them, putting them in order of who is performing, so they can then spread said banners across their bodies when that Idol is on.

- I love Ace

- I love Chris

- Katharine... twatface

- Despite some being way better than others, everyone was very very good and the show just kicked ass.

9 Dirty Talkers // Talk Dirty

subject: 7 minutes ago
mood:

cheerful
music: P. Diddy feat. Hot PCD Nicole

the closing on the house should have started! I think. What else is there besides the closing? Cause there was that and then something else equally as boring (thank god in law school I won't have to take real estate law if I don't want to) going on, but I can't remember what. I wonder how long this is going to be. All I know is I am to be dressed and ready ("and not Jess ready, REALLY ready") when he's on his way cause we have a ton of work to do.

Now. I don't want to seem nitpicky or I told you so'ish here... but when scheduling this stuff, don't you think maybe, oh I don't know, it should have been scheduled for a weekend?!

And to you, asshole... I'm not deleting that ever. I want to print it out, blow it up, and laminate it so I don't ever feel remotely attached to you again.

:)

1 Dirty Talker // Talk Dirty

subject: Home. Dammit.
mood:

drained

We spent $6K. That's just obscene for a weekend. I'm still in sticker shock mode. But OMG such a great time. I need to do a bunch of shit and yet here I sit, making a CD for my shower, eating pretzels.

Christopher had an awesome time! He went rafting, rock climbing, hiking, and all the other normal camp stuff. The only thing he couldn't do was the extended hike because it was more of a run, and he couldn't do laps in the lake for one of the badges. But still, got to do a ton of stuff! OH! And he spent $10 on a necklace... for a thirteen year old junior camp counselor named Jen. And so it begins lol.

And I know someone's not talking shit on Pittsburgh in her LJ when she lives in PHILADELPHIA. *shudder*

3 Dirty Talkers // Talk Dirty

subject: Um.
mood:

complacent

1. I've become a Panic! At the Disco groupie.

2. Miami Ink season premiere tonight at 10!

3. I really want a Kat tattoo

4. I'm freaking out about Christopher being gone at camp for so long

5. I'm pretty sure I could fall asleep sitting here.

4 Dirty Talkers // Talk Dirty

subject: I feel like I've even beaten up
mood:

angry

Just... exhausted and puffy faced from crying and pissed off and BLAH. It's one thing to argue, god knows I love a heated fight. But when your boyfriend is standing in front of you, debating in his head whether or not he even wants to be with you still, yelling lines like "I'VE SPENT ALMOST MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE TRYING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY AND YOU'RE SUCH A BRAT THAT I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT'S POSSIBLE" and "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE WOMAN I'M MARRYING. I'M NOT ONE OF YOUR BOYFRIENDS AND YOUR GAMES AND SHIT DON'T WORK." There was something after games but I can't remember what. Something else that doesn't work. And then my personal favorite "YOU DON'T GET TO CALL ALL THE SHOTS, THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU, EVERYONE'S LIVES DON'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU, AND YOU DON'T GET TO WHINE AND BITCH TO YOU GET YOUR WAY ONE MINUTE AND THEN FIVE FUCKING MINUTES LATER CHANGE YOUR MIND. LIKE ALL YOU WANT IS TO MAKE SURE YOU CAN GET EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT IN THE FIRST PLACE. AND THAT SHIT'S OVER." And I think he said fuck a few more times, which threw me off cause I'm the potty mouth and he never swears, and I'm sure I was called a brat a few more times and he expanded on exactly what makes me a princess. And that's about it.

Fuck. Him.

1 Dirty Talker // Talk Dirty

subject: All about meeeeeeeeeeeeeee
mood:

contemplative
music: Lucky Boys Confusion - Cigarettes

I really want a new layout. I think. Still pink though. Hmm. I must befriend graphic designers. Add that to my To Do.

Anyway, my Holter came back perfectly normal, EVEN WITH all the crap I did, so yay! I have a heart murmur, yeah, but it's a "normal" murmur. I do not have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy. And I'd do pretty much anything on the planet to switch places with Christopher and have it instead. If anyone runs into a genie, leprechaun, or fairy, please hook me up with them.

Carpet shopping today! Well just sampling and feeling lol. I never realized how much PAPER is involved in buying a house and how many stupid freaking processes there are that must be followed exactly in perfect order. And then I imagine doing that both ways, buying and selling at the same time, and my heart just says awwwww for Josh.

...

...

...

...

Okay that moment's passed!

2 Dirty Talkers // Talk Dirty

subject: Fan Fest starts tomorrow
mood:

awake
music: Justin Timberlake - Sexyback.. Yeah!

Hate baseball, but love big ass conventions and ado going on in our fine little city! Christopher's excited! Not sure which day we're going, hopefully tomorrow after work, but more than likely on Saturday. Fun times!

I'm about to rip the holter monitor off and through it out the window. :)

5 Dirty Talkers // Talk Dirty

subject: Yup, it's official
mood:

nerdy

We have our American Idol tour tickets, thus making us the lamest group of people over 21 in America.

2 Dirty Talkers // Talk Dirty

currently viewing: Latest shit Jess is babbling about
go: down the rabbit hole